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August 10th, 2009


12:43 pm - We're all searching for someone...cause we can't find ourselves.
Everything natural in the world is said to happen in spirals...no one ever told me it was a downward one. Life is a mystery. No one knows where it's going to take them along the way but everyone knows what the end result will be. We delay our lives. We make stupid decisions, dumb mistakes, and poor choices all in hopes that it will some how hold off the inevitable. We push and pull throughout life trying to buy just a little more time, but when it comes down to it we are all headed in the same direction. It's scary and difficult but it's what makes us all unique. We struggle and fail. Hit and miss. All of which is shaping the person we are going to become in the end. It's hard to see but we will be ok when it's all over. We can be miserable and feel shitty but you will be ok. I'll be ok. Because there will always be someone. The one person that makes the mistakes, the misses, the struggles and also the achievements all feel worth while. We are trudging down a mangled and twisted path we choose to call life. BUt it's not that bad because we have our safety blanket. The person that smiles and brightens your day. You think your in hell, you hate your life, you want to give up and call it quits...but there's no denying that there's a reason you haven't given up yet. 9 times out of 10 that reason is a person. A person you've put all your faith and trust in. A downward spiral isn't that bad when there is someone on the ride with you. Giving up is never an option. You have to much to live for. If you don't think so...look in the eyes of your best friend and tell me honestly they wouldn't be lost without you. You may not think much of the life you've been given but to one person maybe even more, your life is a gift. A miracle. We are special even if we don't think so. "We're all searching for someone, cause we can't find ourselves. We all are the same with these feelings our hearts all break. Why cant you see were not alone."
Current Music: Tickle Me Pink

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July 29th, 2009


09:42 pm - what the hell is going on...
you don't want to live unnoticed. life is a trip. no on said it was going to be easy. this is gonna be a long journey. there are things that are gonna make you feel defeated. your gonna want to throw in the towel. but that's what life is. challenges getting you ready for harder more complicated challenges. this world is gonna kick t he shit out of you to see if you can handle it. its a dog-eat-dog world. you have to be ready, strong, confident. think of life as high school. your either the girl that goes home crying everyday, or  your the girl that made her cry. it sucks but its the truth. there's always gonna be a mean girl. you have to make your voice heard or you quickly become nothing but mere background noise. i don't know about you but i will be heard. i am a lion that will never stop roaring. and i hope you are the same. it's important to make a mark. a lasting impression. you don't want to waste the life you've been dealt. sometimes you get lucky and you don't have to be the victim or the villan... but not very often does that happen. it is important that you realize what i am about to say is true: you are special. unique. beautiful. you have everything going for you. don't give up. you're leaving a hand print on this world everytime you break through another brick wall. hate or be hated. life is black and white. if you want to live with no bad memories, haunting thoughts of bullies,or high school horror stories...you have to stand your ground. talk is talk. bitches are bitches they cant help it ; ) ... high school is either the the worst time of your existance or the greatest. make the most of it. don't be the victim in school or life there after. lift your head up. no one can ruin you, unless you let their words fill your mind. you are the only judge that matters on the panel of your life. make YOUR mark. leave YOUR stamp. don't let yourself go unnoticed. because the bitches that make you cry they don't feel bad for you, so you shouldn't feel bad for yourself. they don't live to make your life hell its just what happens. so don't live to let them crush you. and in the end everyone gets theirs. the score always gets settled... always.

Current Mood: rant

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July 20th, 2009


09:16 pm - where are we...
 
we're brought into a planned life. the first eighteen years are arranged for us. when we're babies its nap time, dinner time, bath time,  bed time. then its school...all thirteen years. K-12. its set up for you. what about when  those eighteen years are over...then what? up until the summer after your senior year your life is laid out like your clothes when you were little. its chosen for us. we have no choice. we just listen, follow directions, do what we're told. then all of the sudden it's the summer before your senior year and every day you start to realize in one year you will be on your own. one year. 365 days. isn't that what you've been waiting for? moving out, staying up late, doing things your way. no rules. no parents. sound great?...or terrifying. what if your best isn't good enough? what if you screw up your life. on your own is a scary place to be...or is it? think about it. the only way you can screw up your life is by doing things that make you unhappy. you were meant to be great. if you put your everything into living the best life possible, how could you mess it up? the answer is...you cant. sure being on your own is a change but if you take it as making the statement, "I'll be great. Even if i do it by my self. I will make a masterpiece out of the life i've been given." every step of life is just a new part of the beautiful painting that is your life. starting now you will live. i pray you will live. this is your chance to make a mark. senior year, take chance. make memories. learn more about yourself. everything you do is unique. be an individual. leave your stamp on this world. you have the power to be remembered. you may feel all alone but remember you are your biggest fan, your best friend. if you believe you are amazing the world wont be far behind. be brave. be strong. be unique. be yourself, cause you're brillant.


Current Mood: talkative

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08:43 pm - so just walk away.
 
what happens when we find ourselves at the end of this long road? where do we go from there? you could search for those answers from now until the sun burns out, but i'm sure you'll never find what you are looking for. there will never be a clear and direct answer to questions dealing with death. it would be a lot easier if there were. without the worry of death there isn't much else to concern ourselves with. maybe that's why death is always in the back of our minds. because it is the one thing we'll never understand. almost everything about life can be figured out, there's reason to almost all of it... except it ending. we don't get it. so we waste our days obsessing over it. what will it feel like? will it hurt? will anyone notice, will anyone care? where will i go? will i know it happened? too much. constantly parading itself in the back of your mind. you can try to get away from it but its inevitable. we will die. scary. its one of those things we choose not to believe. "i'm an exception...i'm gonna live forever..." when it comes to life and death there are no exceptions. you went along with the life part of the deal so be default you'll go along with the death part to. the fine print on the contract of life. we don't want to die, its too scary, dark, unavoidable. we usually like to know whats gonna happen next, but when it comes to death we cover our eyes and plug our ears. we want nothing to do with it. its easy. you live. you die. but i'm not ok with that simplicity. its not something we can accept. ever. at some point we must. the thoughts of death will be pushed aside, we'll find something new to worry about. we'll realize we cant run and hide from it. the thing we fear most is our only fate. and we all know, there's no escaping fate.


Current Mood: worriedworried

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July 5th, 2009


08:40 pm - to show you who i am...
 
memories. moments in time we log in our brain. stored up endorphins so when times get hard we can "jog our memory" and look back to help ourselves realize maybe life isn't so bad after all. is it possible to store up enough "happy memories" that the bad days don't seem so bad. so that the gray skies are actually just a new shade of blue. life goes by faster every day. everyone wants time to just stop. but think of all the things you could be doing with the moments you are wishing away. the days fly by as we sit and dream of a brighter one. a little piece of your life is wasted every time you mope and pout and wish for "something better". what happens when the day you've been dreaming of finally comes along? do you finally feel satisfied and start living in the moment rather than planning the next? life hands you a lemon. what you do with it tells a lot about the person you are. everyone thinks back to their childhood. reminiscing about family vacations, favorite cartoons and the movie that will always remind them of their "younger years". moments made into memories, then molded to last a lifetime. but no matter what the memory there is always someone that has the same one only a little different. "you remember that time when..." if you answer them with no i dont remember.... you are being reminded of a forgotten memory. it clearly happened you just can't seem to remember.so think about this. we are told that when we die our life flashes before our eyes. but what they don't tell us is which parts? will it be the parts that are still vivid, the ones you remember perfectly all the way down to the smell in the air? or will it be the ones that made you who your are, that turn out to be the ones you never took the time to notice and remember? if it is the forgotten ones you see, what you feel right before you die will come as a complete surprise.will you be happy because you lived your life to the fullest even in times you don't remember? or will you be ashamed of how much time you actually wasted wishing for more? either way i think it is time for all of us to start living! i don't want any surprises. i want to know that in the end i will be happy with how i lived...don't you?


Current Mood: contemplativecontemplative

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July 4th, 2009


08:36 pm - to show you how i feel...

 
when your world seems to be crumbling down around you, the people that are standing by your side might come as a surprise to you. second chances, some say, are overrated. but in the scheme of things everyone makes mistakes. boo-boo's that leave scars to last a lifetime. and when taking a closer look we find we're not the only ones that are scarred. it's hard to give people another try and forget the mistakes that have hurt you in the past. but the people that don't give up on you, the ones that want to make things ok after they mess up, aren't those the people you'd think we'd want in our lives most? think about it. even after they screw up they want you to forgive them because your opinion matters so much to them. you are that important of a part in their life that they are willing to ask you for another shot. life is a riddle. we screw up royal and expect immediate forgiveness, but when someone else does something stupid we are shocked when they expect our forgiveness. oxymoron's- jumbo shrimp, baby grand, unguarded person. we contradict ourselves on a daily basis. if all of our oopses haunted us till the day we died we'd never be able to forgive ourselves let alone move on with our lives. so why if we have the ability to move on and push our faults to the back of our minds, why is it so hard to for us to extend that common courtesy to others? people deserve another chance. i'm sure all of us have someone in our lives that has hurt us. and sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the people we care and love the deepest. people can only hurt us if we've let them in to our hearts. scars never heal, but with time they stop aching and they fade into us like a forgotten memory. life is a gift with a no return policy. everyone is in it for the long haul. everyone is in the same boat you are. if the ship is going down, share the damn door!


Current Mood: accepting

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June 26th, 2009


08:33 pm - i'm not wasting my time anymore...

when you're a little kid you dream big! you sit in the backseat of your moms car, tucked safely into your car seat and you've never felt more safe. looking out the window at the world flying by, your minds in a million places at once. you dream of your future. of becoming a snake wrangler, a police officer, prince charming at disney world, or the king of pop and all those possibilities are things you believe you can do...when you grow up. the only music you hear is the classical or country cassette your mom has pushed into the player and it means nothing to you...not yet anyway. the world is yours for the taking. there is no fear of failure. the word can't hasn't crept its way into your vocabulary yet so there is no worry in your mind, you are untouchable. when you're a teenager you've begun giving up on your big dreams. you start feeling like a failure because nothing you do seems to please anyone. so you stop doing the things that make others happy. you start doing exactly what you think is the right thing to do. the things that you will remember for the rest of your life. the things that will define your years as a teenager as the best years of your life. you start sneaking out to be with the people your parents dislike because they are the people that make you feel alive. the word can't has become a part of your life. but it has also become the exciting limit you can't wait to cross. your dreams become your "summer to do list". three months is all you have each year to accomplish the things that will make your year. life is laid out on the road before you and you can't wait to grab hold of it going 100 miles per hour. moments are slowly turned into memories and all your childhood dreams are clouded over with the next puff puff pass. life suddenly turns into a "what else is out there" game and everyone is ready to play. the coloring book pages that used to cover your walls have been replaced by posters and pictures of the people you've grown to love because somehow the music they write makes you feel less alone. life is a maze. you no longer want to sit in the backseat let alone have your mom in the car. life whizzes by faster than ever and there's no longer a car seat holding you in and you find yourself fearing every turn and change. you don't want to think about your future because you stopped thinking about it when you realized your dreams were unreachable and now there is nothing to look forward to...you think. "these are the best years of your life" this should be told to  you when your seven...not seventeen.

Current Mood: scaredscared

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June 24th, 2009


08:31 pm - nothing feels real anymore...

 
today is the day you'll realize tomorrow is never promised. a day is all you'll ever need to make memories that will last a lifetimes. more time is only every wanted because you realize you're wasting your right now. if you live every minute of everyday, actually live, you will never have to worry about regret. nothing can haunt a person like regret can. in just about every mistake there is regret. however it is found in the good things too. you regret not laughing a little harder, hugging a little longer, or taking one more picture. to feel satisfaction is too never settle. if you do everything you think will make you happy, what is there to be upset about at the end of the day? life is one of the simplest things but it is very complex at the same time. all you have to do is live. all you have to do is wake up in the morning. so why be miserable when you are one of the most beautiful things in the world. you have the ability to make your life a masterpiece. you have the opportunity to make a positive impact in the future. what are you waiting for? change is something we've grown to dislike. but in all honesty change is an amazing thing. every time something is altered or changed it is new. it is something that you have never experienced or explored before. we fear the unknown. we also have fears of spiders and the boogie man but those fears don't stop us from living and prospering. but the fear of not knowing what will happen next has the ability to stop us dead in our tracks. you're only able to push forward if there is guaranteed safety and success. you wouldn't go skydiving if they told you only half the parachutes worked would you? no. because you might not be ok in the end. but why not risk it all? the moment you give all of yourself to something with no fear or without anything holding you back; that very well could be the greatest moment of your life, but you'll never know because the risk out weighs the possible happy ending. becoming completely open is not an easy thing to do...but it could be the most rewarding.


Current Mood: ready

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June 20th, 2009


08:29 pm - Introduction

sometimes. every time the world starts to feel to big and i start feeling more and more insignificant i run to my escape. the one thing that reminds me i am more than a piece of the puzzle making up life as we know it. i have thoughts that could stretch across the widest of rivers, seas and oceans. and i have decided to share what i think, feel and believe in a place where others can read what i am thinking and ponder on the same thoughts. but you must know this livejournal is for one person in specific. life is something you can't escape until you are no longer needed. it is when you are used up, broken down, left behind and forgotten that your time here is said to be over and you being gone is then accepted. this fact may sound selfish or exaggerated but there is reason for it. at any given moment on any given day you are someones everything. if you were to disappear or remove yourself from the world before it is acceptable to do so you would leave at least one person in this vast world feeling completely lost and utterly alone. we all have someone in the back of our mind. they are there at all times. that is the person you need. the person you would be lost without. you are that person to someone. i am that person to someone. and the reason i am writing this is for that someone that is always in my mind. don't get me wrong i hope my thoughts and feelings help others along the way and i hope they shed light on subjects that have been left to dry out and have been forgotten, but that isn't my intention. they aren't the most intellectual journals and i claim no writing ability. but for the person i am writing to they could and can mean everything. everyone that has a journal writes in hope that the person they are writing for will one day read what they have to say. we want that person to know us better than anyone else does. we want to let that one person in. we want to share all of our thoughts with them. and that is the reason for my writing. i want that person to know they are not alone. that i too have been through the same struggles and i found a way through the sadness or through the difficult. i write about happier days and lovely memories in order to bring the good to the surface. i write to intrigue thoughts. i write to help you. i hope the person i am writing for reads these entries and gets me. understands what i am thinking and feels as if i stole the thoughts right from their own mouth. for one person all of this will be true. and i hope the person that gets me is the person i want to most. all of this, after all, is for you.

Current Mood: open

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